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It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
If you stare directly into the sun it will bring some eye problems. If you stare directly into Chuck Norris it will bring death.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of toxic waste, and the toxic waste gained super powers.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is
achieved.
When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save
Chuck Norris, they save the car.
Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always has the right of way.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking
beef.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to
attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just
never his own.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type
"Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question
his motives.
During a game of golf, Chuck Norris shot 2 holes in one,
struck out 9 batters, passed for over 300 yards, recorded a
hat trick, and broke the single lap speed record at Daytona
Speedway.
The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is
because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
Chuck Norris's cock is so large he has a fiveskin.
When driving in his SUV, Chuck Norris always swerves out of
the way if a squirrel is in the road. Not because he finds
their antics amusing, but because it gives him a chance to run
over pedestrians.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris
"Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and
apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely
signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had
happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
When Chuck Norris clicks on the "Win a FREE iPod!" ads, Chuck Norris wins.
For the sake of convenience, the Grim Reaper is Chuck Norris'
receptionist.
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if
your wish is dying.
Chuck Norris once caught the common cold, then broke it's neck.
If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once hired as a stuntman for Charlton Heston in The Ten Commandments. They needed someone who not only wore a beard, but also could part the Red Sea.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
Chuck Norris can walk, talk, chew gum, pat his head, rub his
belly and can still kill you quietly and unnoticed on a busy
street corner.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to
stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the
surface of China.
Due to the tenacity of his saliva, it only takes Chuck Norris 1/2 a lick to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor, he
simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.
Chuck Norris believes that it's not butter.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks are faster than the speed of light, if you see him go to roundhouse kick you you are already dead.
Who's the Daddy? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to obey the law, God's Law, the laws of Gravity, Robotics, Motion or Thermodynamics.
God wanted to create earth in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him six days and roundhouse kicked him on the seventh.
When Chuck Norris does pushup he doesnt push himself off the ground, he pushes the earth away fom him.
Guns dont kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
There is no Theory of Evolution, just the animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated
with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues,
"...afraid of Chuck Norris."
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because
Chuck Norris doesn't run.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and
asks questions later.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are
understood.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris.
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Chuck Norris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the
deputy.
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in
time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris had sex before he father did. When he was born he had sex with the midwife, making her the third woman Chuck
Norris had sex with. That Afternoon.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself.
Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812
was plagiarized from his autobiography.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris
proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft
move.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme's bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
f you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the
Complete Works of Shakespeare
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists
theorize that this contact would end the universe.
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked himself he would send himself back in time. In this way he created the universe, killed the dinosaurs and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris invented Japanese culture.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Chuck Norris has three knees on each leg.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
Chuck Norris can draw blood from a stone.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
Chuck Norris got so fed up with people saying: "Thats the best thing since Chuck Norris" that he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris' thighs span three timezones.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
he world's fastest car has 7 gears. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
Chuck Norris challenged Arnold Schwartzinegger, Jack Bauer and MacGyver to a fight. He roundhouse kicked them all into the same person who he called Arney MacBauer. While laughing at this joke Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them into the year 1337 which he then roundhouse kicked to "shut those damn internet kids up".
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
CHuck Norris can teach old dogs new tricks - the roundhouse kick usually.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
When Chuck Norris heard the phrase: 'seize the day' he grabbed it and broke its neck.
'An anvil fears no blows' - exceopt a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. As punishment Chuck Norris will email you a roundhouse kick.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouse kicks any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house. Thisis because he is the most dangerous while in a corner.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong, Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes dead people.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Cluedo, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Chuck Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
When Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens
You are not in control of your destiny, Chuck Norris is.
U.S. Marines do not have permission to die unless Chuck Norris gives them permis
